I used to be worse.

I did.

I used to not be able to concentrate enough to read. I could get by on the internet, mainly cause I was playing a game at the same time.

I used to not be able to watch tv shows. Either I couldn't focus or the content would fuck with my head. I became really good at faking this due to it being the primary past time of a then partner of mine.

Anyone who was in a position of authority made me cry. My first major panic attack was when a bus driver told me I had the wrong bus pass.

I could not keep my self-worth up. I could usually fake it enough to hang out with friends for an evening or get through a contra dance. Not always, though.

I really did believe the world and the people I knew in it would be better off without me there.



So, I need to be gentle with myself when I have the first big spiral into irrational thought I've had in months. I'm not who I used to be. I've fought to be where I am.

Lesson from poly #2,834

en·vy

noun \ˈen-vē\

: the feeling of wanting to have what someone else has.

jeal·ou·sy
   noun  \ˈje-lə-sē\ : an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has.


Let that sink in.

10 years ago.

So, y'all. Tomorrow I turn 30. I've been ready for this for a while. Just to be cute and see what it got me, I posted to Facebook and Google+

Day and a half left in my 20's - what should I do? GO! 

 The fabulous Mr. John Fallon posted Can you remember what you did (or what you wanted to do) between 19 & 20? Revisit (or do) that! 

What a doozy. So, let's go back to 2004, shall we?

I was a sophomore at Fairmont State University, in theater. I will still in a relationship with my high school sweetheart, Daniel. 

I had some of the best friends I had ever had in my life. A theater family, even. Things with Daniel weren't perfect but he loved me and that's all the counted, right?
I vividly remember the day of November 12, 2004. It was the 4 year anniversary of my Grandma Birdie's passing and this was the first year I wasn't a wreck on that day. I had plans to do a double date with Daniel, Patrick and Laury, my theater dad and mom. Daniel had been in his 4th year of college when I started in the theater department and hadn't really had time to come see any of my shows (lies). But, it was important to me that he begin to get to know my friends and this was a great first step. 

We arrived at the ever swank Mi Pueblo and ordered. He was a ball of nerves, more nervous that I had really ever seen him before. I thought How cute! He's nervous to meet my second set of parents! He gave short answers all night, and I found it pretty cute. 

Once dinner was over, after about only an hour, we proceed back to his parent's house and there, in the living room with his parents there, he asked me to marry him. I cried and of course said yes and was very excited! I can't even remember if he came in to help me tell my parents the good news! This was about a year before I got Facebook, so I had to inform people the old fashioned way. We called all my family members and let them in on the news.

Monday rolls around and now it's time to start telling my friends. I remember seeing Amanda and telling her the news. All I can remember her asking was Have you told Mom (Laury)? I told her no and we marched the costume storage room. Laury was up on top of the rolling ladder, pulling down boxes when I delivered the good news. I've never seen her more hurt in my entire life. She looked like I had murdered a puppy in front of her and I was pretty sure I could see tears in her eyes.

Everyone was on egg shells around me. No one was happy. I knew we didn't have the best relationship but I was really worried that no one liked him. How would I be able to bring these two parts of my life together?

That Saturday, we had a bon fire/birthday party at my house to burn the homecoming float we had made that year (It was a giant wave, I don't remember why) and everyone from the department was invited. I also invited Daniel to start smoothing things over. My folks are pretty socially liberal and there was a rule that if you were going to partake on our property, just make sure you have a safe way to get home. I still had not had my first drink, mainly due to how straight edge Daniel had always been. We were going to not drink together!

The evening proceeds and Daniel isn't talking to anyone. No, he's using an axe to chop apart the float frame and was pretty much angrier with every chop. I finally go over to chat with him, to ask what's up. He stops, turns to me, and says:

I can not believe you would do this to me. I can not believe you don't care about my future.

Daniel had just graduated with a Political Science degree and wanted to get into politics. After more discussion he was worried that the police were going to come and bust up the party for underaged drinking. And then he would have that on his record, the record that would come back to haunt him as he tried to run for senator. He was going on and on about it, tears in his eyes.

And in that moment, I knew I had made a terrible mistake.

He could care less about my friends. All he wanted was me, the way he wanted me. He had always had issues with me having friends. In high school, he pushed a boy into a locker because the boy hugged me. I had really pushed away a lot of people and once I hit college, I had made an entire new set of friends. A new set of friends that he totally saw as a threat. 

Over the next few months, I slowly got the the point that I could see the emotional abuse that was happening. He wanted me the way her wanted me: a housewife who wanted to have 2 children (that we had already named) who would be the perfect politicians wife. A month of so later, he told me not to get too stressed about the whole school thing because I was never going to work once he was in office.

I ended up leaving him in April 2005 because I got the offer to be an intern at Georgia Shakespeare and the only thing I could think of as I was getting off the phone with Margot was He will never let me go away for a whole summer. I cried in Patrick's office and knew what I had to do. I called him to my house and gave him back my engagement ring. It took me an hour and a half to get him to leave.

So, looking back, I am so much stronger than I use to be. So much healthier. So grateful (which still feels odd to say) that I went through something that bad to get to where I am today. I didn't like where I was shifting to my 20s. 

I adore where I am shifting into my 30s.

Mindfulness, bitches.

I lost my student ID today and it was the best thing to happen to me in a long while.

So, these last couple of months have been insane. Moving (AGAIN), starting school again, articles, hopeful entry into a group of my peers, kickstarters, travel, dates, meeting new people, trying to keep up with friends I've moved away from,  dealing with the heartache of losing friends, bringing super old friends back into my life, homework, tests, teachers, being asked out by 18 year olds, money issues (as always).

I knew this would be a big shift. I told myself I was going to remember all the things I learned in partial and take care of myself in the process.

Then tonight happened.

I got home from classes at 6:40, as I usually do on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tonight was special, though. Tonight, plus size model and 'Eff Your Beauty Standards' champion, Tess Munster, was going to be a local plus size vintage store and I had a ticket! She was going to speak and there was going to be donuts and champagne and I was totally excited. So, knowing I had to be there on time at 8, I looked at the bus schedule for ease and saw there was a bus in 20 minutes and a bus in an hour that would still get me there on time. I decided not to wear the dress I had been planning on wearing for a week now and just go and get on the bus and get there early. I left, walked to the bus stop and began to wait. About 20 minutes go by, I get impatient and start walking. It's only a mile away but having a bus pass on my student ID makes me far more inclined to use it.

So, I walk. Fast pace, as I wanted to make sure and get there in time to get a good seat. Turning around every time I hit a bus stop to see if the bus is coming. Listening to the same playlist I've had on my phone for 3 months now and I'm beginning to get sick of. Still checking at every bus stop. Get about half way there, there's a bus. Finally. Reach into my pocket to grab the pass and it's not there. Dig through all my other pockets. Not there either. Shit. Bus passes by and I have 10 minutes before the doors shut. They venue had sent out an email saying that once the door was shut, it would not be opened for latecomers. So, I hoof it.

Get there, just on time, out of breathe. I sit, look through my goody bag, realized I didn't eat dinner, grab a donut. Tess comes in and speaks and it was lovely and funny and a bit heart warming. I can't focus for shit. All I'm thinking about was how once I had lost all the weight, I was finally dressing the way I wanted to and then once I went into the hospital for Optic Neuritis and gained all the weight back, I stopped. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I came to this conclusion. I'm now aware of something I had been ignoring and can work on it. But, it made me pause and realize that I hadn't been being mindful for quite some time and that's why I've been feeling scattered and and and.

So, there I sat, listening to a women I admire and not paying a single bit of attention. When I first realized that I was having serious issues and went into intensive therapy, it was a game changer. Finally hearing rational talk about all the things that go spinning through my head made me so happy. This is something I can learn to think through and deal with, how refreshing. I'm coming up on a year of being out of my partial program and I really have tried to keep the practices of DBT in my life. Tonight, I finally realized that I've not been so good at it these last couple of weeks.

So, back to tonight. The Q&A was over and now the meet and greet started. I ended up being the first in line. I said some half ass niceties, took a somewhat crappy picture (of me at least, Tess always looks amazing) and thanked her. I could not get out of my own head now and really just needed to get out of there. I took a moment to calm down, say hi to a lady that I know of through mutual friends and then take a look at the super cute vintage store.

I then decided to walk home and look for my ID. No music on, no thinking about anything other than finding my bus pass, being completely mindful of my task. It was lovely. I overheard part of a conversation about giving a "Come to Jesus" speech to a friend, I noticed a store front I had not before that I want to check out, I enjoyed the cool beginning of fall breeze. I wasn't judging myself for losing the ID or barely being at the event. I walked back to where I had been waiting on the bus at the beginning of the night and there it was. On the ground, face now, having not been touched by a soul. I continued my walk home, but didn't give up on the mindfulness. I picked up a seagull feather that I had notice for the last several walks to the bus stop in the morning. Shadow came and greeted me at the sidewalk when I got close to the house.

So, that was my grand adventure in learning that I was moving too fast for my own good. The next few days will be spent learning how to slow down a bit in this new life I have. Things are super exciting at the moment, but that doesn't mean I have to carelessly fumble through it.

Here's the photo from my experience.

Note: If anyone is interested in looking at the concepts of Mindfulness, this page (http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/what_skills.pdf) is actually a really good description of the skills.

Gen Con 2014 Recap

(I had started a blog earlier this year to get myself writing. I posted once. I'm moving this here and the original post date was 8/19/2014)

The words I keep hearing echoed across all my social media - I had the best time at Gen Con this year!

You will get nothing different from me. This was my second time attending the con and I had a blast. Here's what went down.

Thursday - Started out my day working the HQ table from IGDN. Next, was a slot at Games on Demand. I ran Monsterhearts and it was pretty much the best game I've ever ran. There were only 3 players, all new to the system and they totally gave their all. We had a Chosen, a Ghost and a Witch. The Ghost had died over summer break and didn't really know what to do with herself, so she ended up just going back to school like she was meant to be there. Only a few on her classmates could see her and it ended up being my favorite part of the entire game. Later in the story, the Witch really failed at casting a hex and it caused the entire lacrosse team to be able to see her. Everyone had a blast and it gave me a huge personal boost of confidence about my GM skills.

That evening, I went on to play a curse the darkness LARP that used a Fate deck to deal with confrontations. I played a 65 year old man named Warren. I was a citizen of a town that had a nuclear reactor that was still functional just outside of town, meaning we had *electricity*! We had invited a new set of people to move to our town in hopes of finding someone who could fix the reactor, as it was beginning to fail. It was really interesting seeing a system that I know well in RPG form shift into a LARP. All of the tension you expect from the game was still very much in tact and the conflict of interest that arrises naturally was a huge part of this game. Being a life long citizen, I didn't trust the new comers but knew that we needed to help the town in any way possible. It caused me to personally be a little too careful and wait a bit too long. This, of course, adds more tension and makes the game better. I really enjoyed the game. They could have used another GM to manage all the shit going down, but that's really my only nitpick about the game.

Friday - I ran a game of curse the darkness at the IGDN game room. If you know me, you know the kittens and rainbows that surround my existence. I was happy to take on the challenge of running a game as brutal as ctd. As the players began to come to the table, the last group was a father with two boys under the age of twelve. I made sure and spoke to the father about the themes in the game and he assured me the boys would be fine. This actually ended up make it a bit easier for me to get into the game. I would have been a bit more gonzo if the kids hadn't have been there. I really let them set how far things went. Both of them really just wanted to be helpful and figure things out before the adults and that was pretty fun to play with. I also managed to get one of the boys to not name his character his own name. There was not the high body count of PC's as per normal in the game (mostly in part to the players stacking the deck on their first removal challenge) but there were still many challenges and all players seemed to enjoy it.

Later that night, Matt had his 40th birthday party and it went off beautifully. Lots of awesome people, amazing cake and even a game of Channel A. I'm so glad to have been able to help organize it and loved seeing Matt so happy.

Saturday - First on the docket that day was the GMing as Women panel. I had never been asked to be on a panel before. The public speaking aspect of it didn't have me worried, the fact that I was the least experience member of the panel was my concern. However, it ended up being a really fun panel and the questions asked were wonderful. Even some advice was asked, which was really cool. I ended up talking to a Trans* women after the panel about how she attended to gain perspective on how her roll as a GM will shift as she navigates her transition. Another lady found me again in the expo hall and we chatted a bit more about online gaming. It was a huge honor to be asked to be on the panel and I really enjoyed the experience.

I worked the IGND table until 6 and then, out of curiosity, stuck around for the Indie Hack Night: Hacking as Women workshop. I am SO SO glad I stayed. They split us into small groups and had us work with mentors, using the FATE, Apocalypse World and Codex systems as the mechanics systems for the games. I was paired up with a lovely Canadian named Nicole and we decided to work with the FATE accelerated system. They put the two ladies with pink hair together and it totally worked. She had come with a specific idea and we both really connected on having an appreciation for the wacky. The game that came out of it sounds so cool to me - "It's about supernatural creatures coming to accept themselves and 'out of the closet', so to speak, by being on a reality show. It has mechanics to define your character's motivations, how living on TV will affect your life, and for players to manipulate production aspects like the confessional and editing." Our mentor really seemed to dig the idea and told us to clean it up a bit and set the aspects and then potentially submit the hack. I went to the evening with an open about thinking how hacks work and how the GM can learn from it and came out of the session with a really neat idea that I can't seem to stop thinking about. It's going to be awesome working with Nicole and seeing what comes of this.

I then dashed off to Games on Demand to run Monsterhearts again. This ended up being the most difficult game I've ever run. I had 6 players, 2 groups of 3 friends. One group were LARPers and loved indie narrative games. The other group had never played a storytelling game in their lives and once they found out about the "sex moves" in the game, knew what they wanted from the night. So, two VERY different groups. I gave a good bit of freedom to the group to accommodate the 3 well versed players with intentions to help when needed to the newer players. What ended up happening was the opposite. The newer players ran wild and it actually ended up stifling the veterans. Then one of the girls caused two NPC's to have non consensual sex. *sigh*

For reference, I'm in a monthly game of Monsterhearts and I completely adore it. Mainly, because I adore everyone I play with. This experience made me realize that I was taking for granted that my group with not allow non consensual sex. I ran into my first gaming "hard limit". There was an "X" card on the table and I had explained it before the game. It was not tapped.

We took a break shortly after and I heard two of the veterans talking in the bathroom. I approached them and we had a talk. I asked if they wanted to leave the game and neither wanted to, they were having fun but they needed issues of consent to be taken care of. I thanked them for their honesty and devised a plan how to work through it the rest of the game. One girl then tried a sex move on a PC. We stopped and had a talk about consent and the player agreed to it and they proceeded on. She then tried to do it again and I said NO. I gave a reason within the game why it wouldn't happen but that was absolutely the first time I've had to tell a player NO. 

So, this game was a GIANT learning experience. I don't ever want people triggers or limits to be blown over and I also now know that *I* have limits. Everyone who was at the table said they had a fun time playing but I had an issue with boundaries being pushed. After venting that evening after the game and a night's sleep, I can look at this a the learning experience it should me. If anyone has any words of advice or ways I can work past this in the future, feel free to message me privately and I will gladly talk about it.

Sunday was working at the IGDN table until it was time to leave. This con was pure magic in my mind. I met so many lovely people, finally got to put faces and voiced to names and felt like I was in the right place. I like venturing into this awesome world and seeing where it takes me. 

I call Gen Con my "magical fairy land" and this year upped the stakes. Thanks to everyone who made it great.