So, these last couple of months have been insane. Moving (AGAIN), starting school again, articles, hopeful entry into a group of my peers, kickstarters, travel, dates, meeting new people, trying to keep up with friends I've moved away from, dealing with the heartache of losing friends, bringing super old friends back into my life, homework, tests, teachers, being asked out by 18 year olds, money issues (as always).
I knew this would be a big shift. I told myself I was going to remember all the things I learned in partial and take care of myself in the process.
Then tonight happened.
I got home from classes at 6:40, as I usually do on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tonight was special, though. Tonight, plus size model and 'Eff Your Beauty Standards' champion, Tess Munster, was going to be a local plus size vintage store and I had a ticket! She was going to speak and there was going to be donuts and champagne and I was totally excited. So, knowing I had to be there on time at 8, I looked at the bus schedule for ease and saw there was a bus in 20 minutes and a bus in an hour that would still get me there on time. I decided not to wear the dress I had been planning on wearing for a week now and just go and get on the bus and get there early. I left, walked to the bus stop and began to wait. About 20 minutes go by, I get impatient and start walking. It's only a mile away but having a bus pass on my student ID makes me far more inclined to use it.
So, I walk. Fast pace, as I wanted to make sure and get there in time to get a good seat. Turning around every time I hit a bus stop to see if the bus is coming. Listening to the same playlist I've had on my phone for 3 months now and I'm beginning to get sick of. Still checking at every bus stop. Get about half way there, there's a bus. Finally. Reach into my pocket to grab the pass and it's not there. Dig through all my other pockets. Not there either. Shit. Bus passes by and I have 10 minutes before the doors shut. They venue had sent out an email saying that once the door was shut, it would not be opened for latecomers. So, I hoof it.
Get there, just on time, out of breathe. I sit, look through my goody bag, realized I didn't eat dinner, grab a donut. Tess comes in and speaks and it was lovely and funny and a bit heart warming. I can't focus for shit. All I'm thinking about was how once I had lost all the weight, I was finally dressing the way I wanted to and then once I went into the hospital for Optic Neuritis and gained all the weight back, I stopped. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I came to this conclusion. I'm now aware of something I had been ignoring and can work on it. But, it made me pause and realize that I hadn't been being mindful for quite some time and that's why I've been feeling scattered and and and.
So, there I sat, listening to a women I admire and not paying a single bit of attention. When I first realized that I was having serious issues and went into intensive therapy, it was a game changer. Finally hearing rational talk about all the things that go spinning through my head made me so happy. This is something I can learn to think through and deal with, how refreshing. I'm coming up on a year of being out of my partial program and I really have tried to keep the practices of DBT in my life. Tonight, I finally realized that I've not been so good at it these last couple of weeks.
So, back to tonight. The Q&A was over and now the meet and greet started. I ended up being the first in line. I said some half ass niceties, took a somewhat crappy picture (of me at least, Tess always looks amazing) and thanked her. I could not get out of my own head now and really just needed to get out of there. I took a moment to calm down, say hi to a lady that I know of through mutual friends and then take a look at the super cute vintage store.
I then decided to walk home and look for my ID. No music on, no thinking about anything other than finding my bus pass, being completely mindful of my task. It was lovely. I overheard part of a conversation about giving a "Come to Jesus" speech to a friend, I noticed a store front I had not before that I want to check out, I enjoyed the cool beginning of fall breeze. I wasn't judging myself for losing the ID or barely being at the event. I walked back to where I had been waiting on the bus at the beginning of the night and there it was. On the ground, face now, having not been touched by a soul. I continued my walk home, but didn't give up on the mindfulness. I picked up a seagull feather that I had notice for the last several walks to the bus stop in the morning. Shadow came and greeted me at the sidewalk when I got close to the house.
So, that was my grand adventure in learning that I was moving too fast for my own good. The next few days will be spent learning how to slow down a bit in this new life I have. Things are super exciting at the moment, but that doesn't mean I have to carelessly fumble through it.
Here's the photo from my experience.
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